I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
