Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
