A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
