Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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