Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
