sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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