Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
