The brown eye won't let me do that either.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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