happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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