I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
