um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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