i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
