You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
hell yes lets make some ravioli
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
