I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
