the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
