I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
