I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize