Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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