Are we in a gay sports bar?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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