If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize