I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
