What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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