This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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