I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
