I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
