i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
