Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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