proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
