Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize