I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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