Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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