i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
