you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
