Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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