i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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