He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
