my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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