i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
