i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Sorry about my life...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
