Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
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