Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize