lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
dude. I can hear the air.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
