I wish my penis had an off switch
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
