awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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