Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
