After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
