It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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