Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
