i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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