dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
