It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
