Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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