Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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