I feel great
I just peed on a car
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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