My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
