Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
