Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
