Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
