Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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