There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
