i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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