sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Never underestimate the power of titties
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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