Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
