Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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