did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
